Be CURIOUS

What would your life be like if you had more?

Let's get a little curious - what does 'more' look like?  Last week we talked about being brave, a willingness to be vulnerable and surrender yourself completely to the moment.  Bravery's lesser known sister is curiosity, she's defined by a willingness to explore and know.

At its core, to be curious means you are wanting. It could be a material thing that you want – a new dress, a car, a new computer and then you have to figure out how to get it.  Perhaps you want a big career or a family, or maybe it’s a relationship.  Whatever you are wanting; Once you think it, then you feel it, and then you have to get it.  Sound familiar?

A brave woman is ready to be curious, to face the unknown and to learn.  When we open ourselves up to curiosity, we are giving ourselves permission to explore.  The ever-present and admittedly sometimes annoying "why? why? why?" of a young child is curiosity at its purest - an unabashed desire to know and an inherent willingness to be wrong.  Have you ever observed a toddler on the ski slopes, an ice rink, or even a playground?  Their openness to failing (oftentimes without even recognizing it as failure) allows them to progress with tremendous speed.  They fall, they get up.  They fall again, they get up again.  What if we, too, were so resilient?

Ask yourself: what do you want for yourself?  As you ask yourself this question, what challenges do you come up against when you want something? Let’s think back - as a young girl, what things did you want for yourself and how did you get it if you did? In my practice, I’ve seen that with age oftentimes comes a fear of obstacles and failure, rather than an empowered willingness to work through them.

So - Let’s flip the script and get comfortable being uncomfortable.  Instead of “Can I really have that?”, let’s reframe the strategy to “How can I get that?”  Rather than “What did I do to deserve that?, consider appreciating your good fortune with gratitude instead of doubt.

Be patient and honest with yourself.  Look deeply inside to see what you are still connected to that may be standing in the way of you living a full and unapologetic life!  Be brave and be curious - we’re got this.
 

Xo

D

What are you afraid of?

Bravery:

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

Nelson Mandela

Hey, we are all afraid of something. It is different for everyone and there is no universal fear to speak of - but we are all afraid of something. In my work what I find people to be the most afraid of is expressing their feelings. It is something that seems so simple yet is the very most difficult thing we are required to do - understand ourselves and express what we are thinking.

If you watched Brene Brown’s TED talk on vulnerability you will agree with her, as do I, that this may possibly be one of the biggest fears we face. Vulnerability, allowing yourself to be completely in the moment, in tune with your feelings and then actually expressing them and NOT being tortured to do so  - well that is something.

So you’re afraid: to ask for a raise, to move, to tell your partner that you love them, to tell your partner that you no longer love them, to open up to anyone about what you want, about what you no longer want, to quit your job, to get a dog, to have a baby, to tell everyone you don’t want to have a baby, to have a negative feeling towards someone that you publicly love…

The list goes on and on - what would you do if you were not afraid? How would you feel? Once we move past what were are afraid of we will encounter something else that will present a similar feeling and situation - but this next time we may not dwell so long on taking the leap.

When we take a breath and sink into who we really are and what we really are feeling in the moment - assuming we know what that is - we are giving ourselves a gift. It is the gift of integration. It takes a long time to integrate all the parts of ourselves and feel whole. The more thoughts we have, the more feelings we allow ourselves, the easier it becomes to express yourself. When we allow ourselves the gift of all of our thoughts (and I am talking about those shitty thoughts too) we are closer to becoming whole.

So the thing is, be afraid and be brave enough to take the risk. There will be just as many shitty thoughts on the other side along with all the amazing feelings of relief that you did it. The tension will be released, some memories may be stirred up but Girl, you will be really proud of yourself for Being Brave.

 

Xo

D

Welcome to my Time Machine: My First Therapy Appointment

I remember the day I walked into my first therapist’s office. First off, let it be known that I found that therapist in the phone book. Yup, an actual book. You may or may not remember that they delivered those big honking things to your door - but they did. Then I picked up my landline (for real) and made the call. I made my appointment, hung up the phone and then instantly decided I wanted to cancel it. What was I thinking? “I am not going to go tell this woman all my demons, no way!!” But, in the end, I went anyway. I got up, walked from the East Village over to the West Village and started to get real.

BeHER Circle

There were so many factors involved in making that call. There was a break-up, a career crisis, a terrible roommate - the list was endless and it was all super overwhelming. I knew I needed help sorting that sh-t out and my friends and family were not the ones that were going to be able to help me. So I walked across town to that appointment and got to work. Trust me, you don’t have to have a full house, like I did, to decide to make a change - but you know in your gut if it is that time - trust your gut.

What I am talking about is not easy and I know it. It’s raw and real but that’s how sh-t gets done and change is made - remember that kitchen renovation? Thought you were never going to live through that, right? But you did, and now every time you turn on the new dishwasher you are happy you did it. Getting to who you really are meant to be is a bit like that kitchen reno - it will be the same structure just with a new super powered you.

Wherever you are in your life, getting the help and support you need to make change is not really that simple is it? We are wired to think we can do it all, but we can’t (and that’s okay). Each one of us needs  the support of another. In this case, I am suggesting a non-biased, therapeutic ear to help you weed out and understand what’s up in order to get to the next level of your life.

Me, well, I  practice what I preach. Although I am not still with that same therapist from 25 years ago, I am still in the game every week. There is no end to learning about yourself. As you grow and change so do your thoughts, feelings and relationships. This self examination is not selfish - it is one of the best forms of self care available to you. Taking care of your mental health is just as important as taking care of your skin.  I bet after you washed your face this morning and you put on your moisturizer with at least a 15 SPF, you didn’t think twice about it. Understanding your thoughts and feelings and where they come from should be equivalent to that morning routine.

When you are ready to make that change, remember, I got you, girl! I have been where you are all too many times and know what it takes to get to the other side. Whether you're curious about private therapy or in our Circles program, please give me a call at the office 646-902-4378. We are in this together!

Xo

D

 

Here are 4 ways to look at the year with fresh eyes:

I had a very powerful 2016 - I made lots of important changes and I grew both personally and professionally. When the end of the year came, I was just tired. So I shut down for 10 days. During those 10 days I realized that even though there was so much positive growth - I was completely ungrounded. My intention this year is to grow and stay clear at the same time.

I also took the time to examine the repetition of the chaos I created.  This is a pattern that I have - every year before the holidays, no matter what I do, I get caught in the same trap.  It is a feeling that I am very familiar with and every year I tell myself it wont happen again. So this year I am going to see if I can get to the end with a little less nonsense and both feet on the ground. 
 

1) Take a mental note of your historic patterns and try to identify where you would like to see the most growth. Then I want you to ask yourself what was your first experience of (blank). Example: if your financial house if a mess - ask yourself what are your first memories are of money. Was there enough? Was there too much? Was it a secret? Somewhere in that question you will (hopefully) see the very first stitch that got you to this woven pattern of how you handle money.  

2) Decide what you want your life to look like. Go Big or Go Home on this one. You can't get what you can't see. Knowing what you want is half the battle. When you ask this question, ask yourself how it relates back to number 1. They may or may not have anything in common right now but these two pieces are definitely pieces to the same puzzle. Speak what you want your life to look like OUT LOUD!! In the mirror, to your dog, to your partner, to you BFF - of course, I would be remiss if I didn't suggest you say them to your therapist! No matter how crazy you think it may sound, go on and say it out loud. 

3) Take inventory of your behaviors. We all do shit we wish we didn't and then we get up and do it again. Habits are ingrained and hard to break. Make note of the actions you take that are not serving you. Just notice them. I am not suggesting that you develop a full blown plan to break every bad habit you have. Just let the mind wonder to the behaviors that no longer serve you. It is a gentle start to change. (Which of these behaviors are going to keep you from fully actualizing #2? Just another question for you.) 


4) Finally you will have to take some kind of action. What I see in most cases is we take on way too much and by the time we get to June we are caught in the frenzy and we are spinning. So my suggestion here is you don't go it alone. Find an accountability partner. She can be a therapist, a coach, a mentor, but find someone who has like-minded intentions, gets you and is willing to listen to your crazy. The more talking you do in 2017 the more likely you are to find yourself standing on both feet at the end of the year in full bloom and your intentions becoming actions. 

Just a note - as a community we are going to be faced with new challenges this year, most of which we have not seen before. The more clear and the less chaotic we are when these challenges come up - the better prepared we will be to make the right decisions for ourselves and our families. Sit, breathe, reflect, be truthful in your intention and desires, move towards what you want, surround yourself with community, and most important be present to what you bring to the table and what is happening around you. 

Here's to a great 2017! 

xo 

d

BeHER Holiday Helper!!

Whew, we made it through the first one - Happy Thanksgiving everyone (ok I am a little late but I hope it was amazing) - and now on to the next big two: Christmas and New Years! Tis the season as they say. This is the time of year that is marketed to be full of love, giving and satisfied expectations.  The flip side is it can be stressful, with pressure to perform, host or visit family (which is always a double edged sword) - and it’s expensive. Even if you are like me and don’t actually buy gifts this time of year anymore, it is still expensive. The travel, eating out, holiday parties... everything adds up.  

According to a study by the American Psychology Society - the majority of the work that happened over the Thanksgiving weekend was done by women. The shopping, cooking and cleanup - we did most of the heavy lifting and you know what else? We volunteered to do it. I know that’s what I did... I volunteered, did you? Most of us who volunteered also worked all week, cleaned the house, and managed kids, amongst other things. I hope all of you got to take a day to do nothing this weekend after you got all of the above done.

Let’s figure out how to get through the next few weeks in one piece and with our pocketbooks in tact.

5 Steps to getting through it with Love in your heart and Money in your pocket.

1. Make a budget and stick to it. I stopped buying presents a long time ago. It may sound stingy, but I offer the people on my list an experience. They are all post-Santa age so I have an out. I set aside just enough money and when it’s gone my experiences are too. Some credit unions (the only way to bank these days) offer Christmas Club savings accounts. Enough money is taken out of the your paycheck each week so that when December rolls around you have your Christmas money already on hand. I add my Thanksgiving shopping number and my New Years Eve dress into this number when I am thinking it through.

2. Be Generous! Giving during the holidays is part of the fun for everyone. Being generous does not have to be financial. Take extra time with your people this season. Stop and enjoy the moments you are together, even if it is in the car going to the mall or otherwise sitting in traffic with all your kids/your husband/boyfriend who would rather be watching the game. All of those people are important to you. Take a moment in the chaos everyday to remind them you are grateful for them. This moment of generosity goes a super long way. It is a practice in my house to remind our person/people how grateful we are for each other.

3. Take a break!! As I mentioned above, women volunteer for most of the heavy lifting this season.  We make it our personal goal to make sure that our families have everything they need. It has been my observation that, no matter your relationship with your family, women are busy getting everything together during this season - but we are not taking time off from our other lives.  If you have some vacation time coming - take a day off to do your shopping, take advantage of online shopping and grocery delivery - do things to give yourself a break. Hands down the BEST thing you can do for yourself is DELEGATE!! Come on Girl, give up some control and get your family and people to help you. Its way more fun when everyone lends a hand. In my family when this happens inevitably there will be an amazing sing-along to all our favorite Broadway show tunes!  Everything is more fun when you are singing!

4. Exercise and meditate. I am 100% sure you are sick of hearing this but I am going to say it anyway. As part of your self care this holiday season make sure to schedule exercise on your  calendar and stick to it. Find a workout/accountability partner for this month (or longer). Having someone to exercise with not only helps you stick to the plan, it’s way more fun. The meditating you can do on your own.  Download an App like: “Meditation Made Simple” by Russell Simmons or try the “Infinity Call” with Kelly Morris and online live facebook group for women only.  If you want community, find a meditation group in your community. Mndflmeditation.com is the new hotspot to be quiet here in NYC, but where ever you are, Pick one and find time to sit.

5. Be Loving!! With each event, each purchase, each meal cooked, I challenge you to be loving. Taking the stress out of things is easier if you approach it with love. Breathe and be present. Enjoy the experience of getting it all together and ready. If you forget socks for your husband or wife in his/her stocking or one of your kids gets an extra present it’s ok. No pie for dessert? No worries. Serve up each day of this season with some more love. When you forget (and you will, trust me) and the stress takes over, stop again, breathe and repeat after me - Be Love - it’s all good girl, we got this.

Xoxox

D
 

!!!!!!!SPOILER!!!!!

It's getting close to the unveil of my latest adventure!  We are starting 2017 with the launch of our BeHER Circles program in NYC in February. What is it you ask??  This is the time to get YOU squared away. Define who you are and who you want to be. Finally, make those big decisions. Take action on those plans. And do it all with the support of 7 women doing the same thing, over the course of 8 weeks. It's time for transformation, my darlings!

I am soooo Busy!

“I am so BUSY” (said every woman I know!) Busy, for some reason, is perceived as a really good thing. It is equated with success. Being busy means you are getting shit done and - let’s be real - we all want to get shit done. My challenge to you is to get things done and not be so flippin' busy.     Personally, when I say I am busy it makes me feel important. If I am honest with myself, I don't really like it. I have been exploring my busy-ness for some time and the most dominant feeling that comes up when I am NOT busy is guilt. I should be doing something, right? We are a culture of very busy people and not being "busy" is challenging. Busy is also a set up for disappointment and quite possibly a feeling of failure. What happens when all that busy does not turn up the results we were expecting? Then what?  We ignored our people and what’s important to us and we have to start again.  Guess what?Here comes more busy.   In a quick Google search for the word busy:   "She was too busy to enjoy herself" is how busy is defined in a sentence. Then I dug a little deeper into the internet and found this:             "If you want to really mess with someone tell them you are NOT busy".     I love this idea. When we really think about it, busy is a feeling that we create for ourselves. We run around from one thing to the next getting shit done but in reality we are missing the moment.  I do it to avoid guilt. Is there something you are avoiding by being so damn busy? What thoughts are you trying not to have that are keeping you in the cycle of busy? When my patients talk about being busy and being overwhelmed by their to-do lists I let them know this:  "When the to-do list is done, well... It means you are dead".  Not my most soft and fuzzy bedside approach but it is true. We can always find a reason and a way to be busy. It is not a way to live. In doing so we are missing the point and missing the moment. From one who is always busy - trust me the laundry will still be there but those moments with your people will be missed.  Notice what happens when you decide to not be busy - it is a choice - your thoughts will expand - there may be some anxiety at first but see if you can experience the thoughts and feelings behind the angst. Expand into that and let all the good and weird feelings come - be present and enjoy the moment.    Do nothing today girl You deserve it xo D          

I am so BUSY” (said every woman I know!) Busy, for some reason, is perceived as a really good thing. It is equated with success. Being busy means you are getting shit done and - let’s be real - we all want to get shit done. My challenge to you is to get things done and not be so flippin' busy.

 

 

Personally, when I say I am busy it makes me feel important. If I am honest with myself, I don't really like it. I have been exploring my busy-ness for some time and the most dominant feeling that comes up when I am NOT busy is guilt. I should be doing something, right?

We are a culture of very busy people and not being "busy" is challenging. Busy is also a set up for disappointment and quite possibly a feeling of failure. What happens when all that busy does not turn up the results we were expecting? Then what?  We ignored our people and what’s important to us and we have to start again.  Guess what?Here comes more busy.

 

In a quick Google search for the word busy:

 

"She was too busy to enjoy herself" is how busy is defined in a sentence. Then I dug a little deeper into the internet and found this:

 

          "If you want to really mess with someone tell them you are NOT busy".

 

  I love this idea. When we really think about it, busy is a feeling that we create for ourselves. We run around from one thing to the next getting shit done but in reality we are missing the moment.  I do it to avoid guilt. Is there something you are avoiding by being so damn busy? What thoughts are you trying not to have that are keeping you in the cycle of busy?

When my patients talk about being busy and being overwhelmed by their to-do lists I let them know this: 

"When the to-do list is done, well... It means you are dead".  Not my most soft and fuzzy bedside approach but it is true. We can always find a reason and a way to be busy. It is not a way to live. In doing so we are missing the point and missing the moment. From one who is always busy - trust me the laundry will still be there but those moments with your people will be missed. 

Notice what happens when you decide to not be busy - it is a choice - your thoughts will expand - there may be some anxiety at first but see if you can experience the thoughts and feelings behind the angst. Expand into that and let all the good and weird feelings come - be present and enjoy the moment. 

 

Do nothing today girl

You deserve it

xo

D

 

 

 

 

 

5 Tips for Feeling Good...

Taking care of yourself is your number 1 job!! Making sure you are getting enough exercise, sleep, and proper nutrition are all things that you have to do to keep your mind and body healthy. You get one shot at this so you get to… No you HAVE TO be selfish when it comes to making sure you are the healthiest person you can be. Remember how the instructional video on a plane insists you put your own oxygen mask on before you help others? This works in everyday life too; you can only give your best self to the people around you when you are your best self.  Caring for yourself is not selfish, it’s necessary.  Really!

When you start to clean up your emotional life all of the other parts of you become more apparent.

As we look deeper into our emotional lives, we have the ability to look at all the things that go into our overall well-being.

Supporting you in your quest to lead a fuller life is something that is very important to me. I want you to feel good as you get everything you want.  Here are 5 things that I do (or want to try to do) that help me to stay my healthiest most present self.

 

Tip 1

Acupuncture

I swear by this ancient Chinese practice. I see an acupuncturist for just about everything. If I am struggling with everything from fatigue, allergies, or muscle pain to all things emotional, my acupuncturist is part of the solution.  Why? Acupuncture helps to keep you balanced and present. I treasure that 20 minutes of quiet when you are lying on the table and the needles are “cooking”; there is nothing more relaxing (to me). Also, ask your acupuncturist if he/she gives acupuncture facials, totally worth it.

 

Tip 2

Massage

Handson bodywork should be a regular part of every active person’s life. Really it should be part of everyone’s life. Being touched is so important to your emotional life. Massage relaxes you, helps relieve stress, helps reduce muscle ache and more. Taking an hour or so out of your month is not a lot to ask. This time on the table will help you to regenerate and make you more available to the people you care for and who count on you.

 

Tip 3

Reiki

I was Reiki 1 attuned when I taught yoga. This Japanese practice of moving energy by laying your hands on people helped me to stay healthy while adjusting people. I was able to use the Reiki method to keep my energy separate from the student I was working on in the moment. The receiver of Reiki will be able to feel the very subtle energy shift that happens when the Reiki Master lays their hands on them. Done most often on a massage table, this  subtle work can yield  deep and profound results. It can also be done from a distance through concentration and focus

Tip 4

Sleep

I am now and have always been a napper and I am proud to say so! I love a good nap. Every weekend I get in at least a 30 minute nap and sometimes I am even lucky enough to get a nap or two in during the week. I can’t say enough about the importance of sleep. Go to bed! Curl up in your bed, spoon with your partner and get some sleep. We all need different amounts of sleep. Personally, I am a 7 hour a day girl. If you can’t fall asleep or have trouble staying asleep try changing the time you go to bed, the time you workout and talk to your therapist about the thoughts that are keeping you awake.  Just make sure you get some sleep.

 

Tip 5

 

Ayureveda

The yoga teacher in me cannot help but recommend this one. Understanding your Dosha is a great way to see where you are out of balance. The three doshas—Vata, Pitta, and Kapha—are derived from the five elements. Also known as mind-body types, the doshas express unique blends of physical, emotional, and mental characteristics. In Ayurveda, health is defined as the dynamic state of balance between mind, body, and environment. You can achieve and maintain a vibrant and joyful state of health by identifying your mind-body type and creating a lifestyle that supports your unique nature (www.chopra.com).

 

My personal Dosha is Pitta-Kapha. Pitta runs hot and Kapha can slow you down. The summer months are my favorite but I tend to overheat. I find pitta friendly foods, yoga poses and sleep times that help me stay in balance and I take lots of naps (see sleep)!

 

Fun Fact: When you understand your dosha you can also pinpoint what times of day you are the most alert and work around that to get things done. It was a trick I used in graduate school to make sure I was utilizing my energy in the most productive way possible. It totally worked!!! I am the most productive between 6 and 10am. I tested it and it’s true.

 

Here is a link to a quick quiz to find out what your Dosha is. Take it;its fun!

https://store.chopra.com/dosha-quiz


These are just a few ways that you can start to find holistic, more alternative ways to take care of yourself. Finding alternatives from our traditional western practices helps you to stay more balanced and to be in a preventative position. It keeps you ahead of the game for emotional and physical health. There may be a threshold of a feeling of selfishness that you will have to overcome to allow yourself to indulge in some of these tips but in the end the better you feel the better the people around you feel!!

xo

D

How to keep your head on straight

Talking about mental health is not that sexy but it is what I do.

What is perceived as sexy? A powerful woman at the gym getting after the change that she believes elevates her, body,  mind and soul. Whats not perceived as sexy? A woman sitting in a waiting room for a therapist.  I ask you: why the hell not? 

Today it seems we are supposed to be positive all of the time. Positive and even-keeled.   If we are not, then there is a drug or a program or a something that will magically switch our thinking to see the sunshine. Then there is the other side when we actually need the emotional support but if we get it we may be worried about what other people will think.  Maybe we think it's a sign of weakness.  Sometimes its as simple as we believe we are supposed to get our shit together on our own. 

People are complicated. There is no normal. There is only your normal and what you can tolerate in another person's normal. People are happy, sad, angry (god forbid we show that in public). We cry, laugh, scream. All those feelings help to make us human. The understanding "the what" and "the why" behind when we feel these things, often times means we need the ear of another person.

A good therapist can be your champion. Someone trained to listen and help you sort out that voice in your head. The relationship between you and your therapist can help you to see and uncover patterns in your behavior that you may not be able to see alone. She can also help you clear an emotional path to make room for change. Real characterlogical change, not only makes you aware of behaviors that no longer serve you but leave them behind; if that is what you are seeking, can happen in the therapeutic relationship. 

Most of us are just fine the way we are. I am pretty sure I was ok when I walked into my first therapy appointment a million years ago, but I wanted my life to elevate to better. I wanted to understand some of the choices that I was making. I was curious. It may not have been the best period of my life but the choice to find a therapist to help me was the smartest thing I ever did. When you have a better understanding of your own behaviors, thinking and actions you can start to have more empathy for others. 

Psychological issues are real and like a broken leg or cancer they need to be treated and addressed in order to lead a full, authentic, unapologetic life. Talking to a person who is trained to help you understand yourself better is the same as taking that taxi to urgent care. 

Together let's make your mental health treatment as sexy as fun at the gym.  Its doable.  We can do it together. 

xo

d

 

xo 

d

find your tribe and love 'em hard

I have seen that tagline quite a bit lately "find your tribe and love 'em hard" and it's true. Finding your people, the ones who get you and you connect with, is priceless. When we set out on our own (like the first time we are in the playground really) we seek out others to play with. We hope that we find others who can tolerate our playfulness and also all our other neurosis. Sounds simple and also human nature to connect with other like-minded people but really it's not so simple at all now is it. 

Groups can be the loneliest places. Being alone as one person can stir up a whole host of feelings, so when there are a bunch of people around there are feelings everywhere and it can be a challenge to navigate your role and to find your voice in the mix of it all.

Where do I fit in? Does she like me? Did I really just say that?  Some of these may be questions that ring true for you when you find yourself in a group. And since your first group is your family - often times in a group, we are recast in the role that we created for ourselves in our family. 

No longer in kindergarten but out in the world as an adult, we may still be reacting the same way we did on the playground.  The patterns of our friendships have been set and we often find ourselves responding to people and behaving as we did when we were kids, we just have better clothes on. Eventually we find that this is not attracting the kind of people we want to be around. When this happens we need to take a peek underneath the surface and see what's up and make a tweak here and there to change it. 

Taking an inventory of who your people are and how they make you feel is important. To be our best selves we need to feel supported, loved and understood. We expect this from our romantic partners and put lots of demands on them to do so, we should hold our friends to the same standards.

Sometimes When we take that inventory we find that many of our relationships are toxic and it may be a good time to get someone else involved in our psyche. If therapy is your choice keep in mind there may be a period of loneliness when things get going. I let people know after they have been in treatment with me for a while and they start to notice shifts in their friendships,  you start to shed the people in your life that no longer serve you in order to make room for the people in your life that you choose from a more clear, more conscious place. Hopefully the new choices that you make are helping your to create a supportive, loving group of people who only have your best interests at heart. 

Once you get started there is no turning back. Eventually you will look up and see that you are surrounded by amazing people and you will have the insight to see when some one gets through the gate that unfortunately does not get to stay. You will have developed a sense of yourself that will not tolerate any drama or toxic filled relationships. 

We've all been there - the not-so-nice best friend, the awful boyfriend, the horrible boss - whatever and where ever this has shown up in your life - it is up to you to take the steps to change it and to create a community better serves you and you can. Making changes will be uncomfortable for a while but when the change happens and you are on the other side, you will thank yourself for you hard work and for the tribe that you have around you. 

Now  get out there and hug your people and keep 'em close! 

xo

Real love, I'm looking for a real love...

If you immediately had Miss Mary J Blige running through your head when you opened the blog today - you are welcome :-).  She's right and she is not alone, most of us are looking for a real love. Some of you may have found it already and some are still out there looking. Whatever the state of your romantic relationship, real love is what the majority of people crave and are in search of. 

If you have found your version of real love - I warmly tip my hat to you, as that is no easy matter. Getting, keeping and inspiring love takes patience, warmth and tolerance of and towards another person. Not so simple. When two people commit to one another the decision to grow together is a decision to ebb and flow with the others emotional growth rate. When you meet someone who makes your heart sing and you get to the down and dirty of really loving that person that's when shit gets real. 

Loving another, real love, requires you to stay in the ring, all 12 rounds. You make a choice to keep both the relationship growing and to continue to grow as an individual. Let's say you've met your person and you have both decided you are in it to win it. You've established some ground rules; like your ideas on (1) marriage and (2) kids and you're on the same page. Your ideas about the direction of your careers are discussed and honored. Next you establish a form of communication that allows for you to bring up all of the above again at a different phase in your life to check in that you are still moving on the same path. Same goes for (4) sex and (5) money. Talk about it, keep it real and keep it movin' forward. Nothing that I have suggested is easy. All of those subjects require you to take a risk, listen, and to tolerate an idea which may very well be different from your own and also requires you to make space for uncomfortable feelings to come up.

5 Conversations to have with your partner to keep the Love Real

1) Marriage (or whatever type of commitment you want long term)

If you want it long term and you want to keep it real you have to talk about what  commitment looks like to you. Maybe you want marriage, maybe you want a domestic partnership, maybe you want separate apartments across town and you see each other once a week for a super sexy sleepover. Whatever level of commitment you want, be clear about it. You may be hit with a period of ambivalence from the other person involved (and you may have made a choice in spite of your own ambivalence)  but give her/him time and space to digest what you are looking for and see if you can make it happen together.

2) Kids or not

If you want kids keep it real and keep it in the conversation. It may not be a first hour of a first date conversation but if you are sitting on the idea of wanting to have a family let the person you love know what's on the table. You want them but maybe not now, if it is going on the shelf make sure both of you know where you left it.  When kids come into the conversation keep in mind to talk about what your expectations of each other will be in regards to actual parenting. 

3) Careers

You gotta eat, so knowing where the money is coming from is something to talk about. Whether you have lofty career goals, or not, talk about what you want your work week to look like and where you want to be in 5 years. Do this periodically as this will shift and change with the changes of industries, shape of relationships (kids/marriage) and various other factors. 

4) Sex

Wanna keep having it? Then keep the conversation movin'! This takes nerve for some of us to have this conversation. It's messy and intimate and super, super personal. In the real love scenario it's not really that much easier. Even long term couples have to reinvent their sex lives over time and find new ways to have this conversation. Talk about what you like and what you don't like. Find out what turns the other on. Give and receive with grace. 

5) Money $$ 

No matter how much you have there is never enough and then there is always plenty. Talk about spending habits, expectations of where the money should be spent and on what, who pays the bills, and what it feels like to be the one in charge and the one who is not. Money is another one of those topics that couples avoid.  Real love scenarios are ones in which even when the times are tight and money conversations suck you have them, you duke it out and you find ways together to create more abundance. 

I could (and will) write intensely on all 5 topics. These are just teasers to get you thinking about keepin' it real. Real love is an on going, sticky at times, process. It needs to be watered and cared for. It needs lots of sunshine and as with with every living thing there will be periods of regrowth and periods that will be brown and brittle.

No matter if you are coupled or single and still looking, Keep the Lovin' real - if you haven't already download Miss Mary J, (keep it old school - "what's the 411" ) crank up the headphones and sing along to Real Love - 

Happy Valentines Day

xo 

D

Huggable Hangers changed my life

my new hangers!

my new hangers!

This weekend I cleaned out my closet and changed all my hangers to huggable hangers. Your first thought is probably what does my closet have to do with BeHER and the mission  -

I mean it's like me telling you what I had for lunch - who really cares what I ate - but I really wanted to explore why this simple act of changing out the hangers in my closet was so freaking satisfying.

As I mentioned being organized does not come easy to me, ask any of the members of my team. My thoughts are pretty organized and I am one of those "oh, I know where it is" girls.

So when challenged with having good friend and professional organizer Laurie Palau come to my house and run a workshop I had to do some opening up of some closets - literally and emotionally. 

 When you start to look at your physical stuff and how organized you are it may be a window into your emotional world.

For some people there is no clutter and things are hyper organized. Maybe being hyper organized is a reflection of keeping all your thoughts in place.  This mirror of being organized may be keeping your negative feelings at bay. Constantly cleaning and clearing is possibly a parallel experience of not wanting to think of and experience negative feelings. The same may be true for the mess and the clutter.  Perhaps this is a physical symbol of being overwhelmed. Emotionally hiding behind the stuff and not knowing how to get it out of your own way. 

Then there is my favorite, when everything looks super organized but you open a closet and Viola you see the mess. 

Where you hide your dirty little secrets at home or at work can be a reflection of the thoughts and feelings you just do not want to have. 

When taking steps to change which ever behavior you may be plagued with you will have to take steps to tolerate the feelings of what I like to refer to as "the in between".

The transition from one behavior into another can cause anxiety and even grief before you can experience the relief of having a clutter free space.

 

The anxiety is a place holder for the new feeling to emerge and the grief comes from the loss of that part of yourself that was attached to the mess.  

As I said earlier, I like a little clutter. I get as overwhelmed when things are too organized as I do when things are too messy. I like a clean house and a clean office but I have help in both of those places to keep me in order and help me keep it together.  In both of those spaces there is a junk drawer. I throw all sorts of shit in there and that little bit of chaos is comfortable to me. 

Since Laurie's visit I have installed a new system in my junk drawers that has definitely made an improvement on finding things. I even have more time on my hands.

Gaining even 5 minutes is helpful and will eventually build up to more time.

This can happen for you too.

Try it - clean things out, throw things away and see what sort of feelings come up.

Pause and notice, take a deep breath and throw out that dress you wore to the prom in 1983 (cause it is not coming back ;-)) and feel the relief of letting go of that part of yourself so your most amazing self can emerge. 

Check out Laurie @ www.SimplyBorganized.com

****

If you think you have a severe issue with too much stuff or are obsessive about where things should be and these issues are consistently affecting your life please contact any one my team for treatment

Additionally, here are some resources that may help:

Hoarding

www.hoardingclean.com

www.hoardersanonymous.org

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

https://iocdf.org/about-ocd/treatment/

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ocd/basics/treatment/con-20027827

What happens when you listen to your own advice?

For the most part I am not in the advice giving business. My day job is one in which what I do helps my clients to understand themselves better. That’s my job. NO advice really – a suggestion here or there but just that a suggestion. However, when I expanded and found an online voice I found that this “self help” category can be a little more advice focused than I am used too.

My mission is to get you to question and expand so as I began to write and explore this part of myself - this behind the screen writer-I found myself looking deeper and deeper into myself and my own patterns.

As I have said in the very recent past repetition is necessary to learn and grow but often there are maladaptive patterns that emerge that no longer serve us. When we are confronted with these patterns the discomfort can be absolutely disgusting. Making the change to move forward can be terrifying even when you know that change is exactly what you need.

This month I am moving. Not far, only about 5 miles from my current apartment. As I get ready to move – to a different borough – a different neighborhood – a different subway line. I am getting ready to make a lifestyle upgrade, that if you asked me a year ago, I didn’t think I could maintain.  I am pulling my big girl pants up!

There are a lot of memories wrapped up in my current apartment. I’ve been here for 14 years. I have completely overhauled my life in the past 14 years. This apartment has afforded me the opportunity to see the world, create a business or two, and the walls have held up during some serious heart break and now it is time to break free.

These walls also have help to keep me identified to a part of myself that no longer serves me.  I’ve allowed it.  I could have moved at any time. It took the internal work that I have done over this period to allow myself to be free.  Don’t get me wrong I have done a great job in this space as far as pulling it together and making it a home but I am getting ready to move into my dream home. One that I choose based on what I wanted for my life – not one that I moved into because I was starting school in a week and I had to move ASAP.

I am excited for this next step of expansion. What happens on the other side? I will let you know.  When I am sitting on the terrace, drinking rose watching the sunset at the end of the day something tells me even when the next roadblock that I have put up for myself appears I will remember this move forward and remind myself that everything is going to be just fine.

Make a shift towards something you want today – even if it feels like the craziest thought you could possibly have.  Let all the thoughts come – the positive and the negative. Talk yourself out of it 1000 more times even, but think it anyway.

 

#BeHER

This weekend I was at a party. It was great. I saw a whole bunch of people that I had not seen in a while and the host is a dear friend of mine and it was her birthday. In typical New York fashion I was having a conversation about what I am up to these days. Trust me it could be anything but for the most part for the past decade and change I have been a psychotherapist/analyst in practice. I still am of course but now there is BeHER. BeHER is more than traditional therapy

Here is what this BeHER business is all about. I have set myself on a course to support as many women as I can in their lives. It is my mission to help women (anyone really but for these purposes women) to lead a bold, unapologetic and full life. I believe that this can be done in many ways. However, for the women whose lives I hope to affect it will be through talking, understanding and emotional communication. By that I mean finding new ways to understand why you do the things you do and new ways to express yourself. The BeHER programs will help you to stop doing the things that don’t get you what you want – or at the very least understand why you keep doing them.

More importantly one of the goals is for women to see themselves in relationship with others. Women are the best supporters of other women and are currently longing for community. We have become isolated as a culture as a result of technology and the need to connect to one another is creating a longing for connection. To gather in a room and really emotionally connect to one another is the key to just about everything. 

Tuesday I will be at the S.H.E. Summit at the 92nd street Y here in NYC all day. It is a 2 day event – over 2000 women will be in attendance. That alone – 2000 women in the middle of a work week coming together to talk wellness and empowerment tells you how much we are craving community. We want to support one another and we want to help each other make change.

Change is not easy or for the most part is it very pretty. As a therapist/analyst and yoga teacher I have been in the midst of change and transition often. In the middle of it it’s gross. The other side however is amazing. I have held the hands (metaphorically) of countless women over the years, whether to help them into a headstand for the first time or to have the honor of bearing witness to their most inner personal thoughts that are holding them back.

The conversations on the first Thursday of the month are just the beginning. As my team and I work on what's next for BeHER we are gathering literature, questioning and observing to make sure when we release our next step we are bringing you a program that will work as a guide to all areas of your life.

It will be an honor to touch your life in some way that will help you to be more curious and interested. 

See you next time 

xo 

D

wet hair, lather, rinse, repeat

BeHER-92.jpg

Ever take a minute to examine your routine? You get up around the same time every day, coffee, run (maybe) meditate (bigger maybe), walk the dog, shower, get dressed, go to work, actually work (sometimes) dinner, bed – repeat…

A lot of other shit happens during the day but for most of us we have created a behavioral structure to our lives. Repetition is a foundation for living, it is how you learn. Structure provides a container for the mind – without it we would be absolutely bananas.

You need to repeat to create structure – but what happens when you do shit  over and over again that actually does not serve you? In my business we call this repetition compulsion.  In other words, crap that you do unconsciously over and over even though there maybe a better way – you just cant see it yet.

Most of us say we want to grow. In order to grow we have to make enough room for change. We have to step out side of the repetition. Take writing this blog for example – I started out with gang busters, writing getting it all set up and getting it out there on time – I did that for a couple of weeks and then boom – walked right into a wall.  I fell back into my old routine. I told myself I didn’t have time (time is like jello – you just shake it up a little and everything will fit into place as it’s supposed to) I told myself I didn’t have anything to say (Ha! That’s funny we all have something to say) I had a whole host of excuses – all of which I had visited before when I was in the process of change and expansion.

I looked at the thoughts ,and then step two, I examined the feelings. What did I get out of not writing and what would I gain from writing and what did the process of growth feel like. Some times the feelings of growing can be super gross and uncomfortable until we get on the other side. When finally on the other side we have freedom.

So here it  is in a nut shell – we repeat, repeat, repeat, we learn – we then change and we want more – so we switch shampoos – and start all over again wet hair, lather rinse, repeat until it’s time to switch it up again. There is the occasional bad hair day in there – followed by a less humid – breezy – hair flowing in the wind type of day. Then we start all over again.

Today go for the blow-out and let someone else wash your hair for you

See you next week

Xo

D

 

 

Ease in...

I turned 50. Yeah I can’t believe it either, not because I didn’t think I would live to be 50 but because I couldn’t imagine that I would get old. Here’s the thing, I didn’t get old I just turned 50.

I have spent the better part of this year talking (at times with doom in my voice) about being 50. It felt like the end of the world. I was certain that I would wake up old and no one could convince me otherwise and now that it’s over I am so relieved. It feels like I can do anything.  It does have me very curious about this idea of aging. You can’t stop it. If you are fortunate enough to age and still feel good in your body, and your mind keeps going, that in itself is a privilege.

You can get online right now and find millions of things that you can do not to look like you are aging – exercise, diet, creams, surgery, meditation, yoga… the list goes on.  The whole thing is really in your head.  When my grandmother was 65 she graduated from college, learned how to ride a bike, took tap and belly dancing lessons and traveled wherever she could get herself too. She never got old.  She didn’t let her age get in her way and she was satisfied.

 There are definite things that come with age.  As a culture we tend to focus on the physical, however we also have also created a history. In that history there is probably some crap that sucks. Heartache, sickness, death, any or all of those things can happen to all of us and they most certainly will.  Most of those things are not completely in our control. What we do have some control over is how these things affect us and what effect they will have on our current situation.

In an article from the American Psychological Association on Psychology and Aging forecasting life satisfaction across adulthood, research shows that there are some benefits to seeing a dark future. Oh wait let me explain… When we set our minds to believe that everything is always good then we are setting ourselves up to be sideswiped when its not.  This is not to say you should not have a positive attitude as you age – trust me that helps a lot – all it means is that being realistic about what is coming your way and having an understanding of what you want your life to look like in spite of all that may and will happen to you is the key to having a satisfying life. 

Be positive, be hopeful, dream and want more ABSOLUTELY. Be clear in your intentions and what you want and have a big bold amazing life. Also be balanced in your thoughts. Examine them and allow for all of your thoughts and feelings so that you feel completely satisfied and satiated in this life.  It may sound counterintuitive at first – to allow for thoughts of a dark future but it does not take away from your other thoughts – it just allows for all of them.  Having all of your feelings allows for balance and in balance (should you be able to find that) you can find satisfaction. 

This is freedom and that my friends is all this getting older business is about – the freedom to do what you want when you want – play and have fun – take tap lessons, learn to belly dance – what ever it looks like to you – allow yourself to do it and live.

 

Do You

There you are sitting on that flight to LA and the flight attendant starts with the safety instructions. She shows you where the exit doors are, the floating device and finally the oxygen mask. She demonstrates how it works then she says to put it on first and then help those around you.  For Fuck’s sake! Why is it we are only demanded to take care of ourselves first when the plane is about to go down? 

There is a lot of talk out there about taking care of yourself and making sure there is plenty of self -care in your life. When I was in social work school burnout was a big topic and in my first job out of school my supervisor would remind us to make sure we gave ourselves time to go to the bathroom! That simple – get up from your desk and pee. As a therapist it is my role to help you take better care of yourself so I make it a priority to be a good model for that kind of behavior. I take breaks, workout, good diet, take vacations all outwardly positive things – but the crazy making is in the head – and that voice can be a killer.

I am sure you are doing some good in the world. You are taking care of everything at work, your home, your kids, your partner and this makes you feel good and other people will feel good and like you, may even love you. You get all sorts of outside accolades in doing for others - maybe. There is a wish there and a drive for something. Being acknowledged is a common theme – wanting to be seen for what you’re good at. There is also the flip – not wanting to be seen.  So you cause a commotion by helping others and you get lost in the shuffle – well, that shit gets old and you may end up resentful. Ask yourself what you get out of taking care of others and how much of you is being sacrificed, only you have the answer to your “why” it’s something to think about …

Maybe the motivation is guilt. I hear that a lot “if I don’t do all of this I will feel guilty” – Where the does that shit come from? Maybe you feel guilty taking care of yourself when you know someone needs your help. Guilt can drive you right in to becoming a martyr. If you do for everyone around you and sacrifice yourself – in the end it is not so awesome.  You’ve avoided feeling guilty but you end up empty.

Guilt and its handmaiden, shame, can paralyze––or catalyze one into action. Appropriate guilt can function as social glue, spurring one to make reparations for wrongs. Excessive rumination about one's failures, however, is a surefire recipe for resentment and depression”  www.psychologytoday.com.

 If putting your needs first is not your natural course of action then it will take some practice. Guilt may be one of the feelings you may have to overcome. It will take some time. The new feelings will help you to feel whole. it’s like planting a rose bush,  for those seeds to turn to a gorgeous bouquet of flowers there will need to be some pruning, wateringand nurturing.  Its going to take a minute for the seeds to take root and eventually with time and repetition it will grow.

The take away is to find a balance and patience. You will have to take care of other stuff. Putting your needs first just means that you will be able to be present and available when you are doing for others. You will feel whole and unburdened by the task at hand. You will feel fulfilled and in the balance it will be your most authentic self that is taking care of that task or person. Your reason for doing it will not be for the accolades or avoiding the guilt it will just be because…

Go on girl and put on that oxygen mask and take a deep breath – you earned it

See you next week

xo

D

Be True

"True Self" a sense of self based on spontaneous authentic experience, and a feeling of being alive, having a "real self"

"False Self" a defensive facade — one which in extreme cases could leave its holders lacking spontaneity and feeling dead and empty, behind a mere appearance of being real.

Donald Winnicott*

You know that moment when you are standing in front of a room, a lover, in front of the mirror, oh hell standing on the subway platform (that simple) and you feel a full complete sense of your potential and your power? And then there other situations when its just not there? In the second scenario you can be filled with a whole host of feelings but you can’t seem to find that fullness. Well you are not alone.

You create a sense of who you are and who you will grow to be early on. By “who you will be” I don’t mean what your jobs or your what roles you will take  - but the actual character of the person you will become.  This is not set in stone but who you are to the world sets its course pretty early. There are a whole bunch of things that set you on your course and are at work to form your character and personality. It’s part nature, part nurture. Whatever the influences, there is that moment when you realize you have to own who you are in the world.

There are times when a false self may be necessary. A false self can be helpful when you are ready for a change and you haven’t met that part of your personality yet. So you fake it until you have moved fully into that part of the self that has been forever dormant. Fake it ‘til you make it!

A false self in its most maladaptive state is lonely and isolated and you will need a therapeutic intervention to become more whole. In most cases the false self is fluid and you can do some of the work with just the right mind-set. My new favorite example of this is the new NIKE campaign for women. (watch it here) It is the false self at the beginning of this campaign that gets on that bike, takes that yoga class, starts to run – the voices in her head are still there. You can listen to them – OR – you can just keep on keepin’ on girl and fake it ‘til you make it – your true self is at the finish line and you can do it!

See it, Move towards it, BeHER

Have a great week

xo

D

Wanting

What do you want? We hear this question all the time. It can be as simple as what do you want for dinner (which at times is not so simple) or it can be the big question, what do you want from this life?

Knowing what you want means you also know what you DON’T want. At some point you settle the conflict. “I want that pasta but that salad is better for me” Great, I will have the salad   Then you don’t get the pasta. That is a simple version of answering this question. However, if you have ever waited tables you know that there are plenty of people for whom this simple “what’s for dinner conversation” can be very painful. For most people that particular dinner is not their last meal so it shouldn’t be so painful, Right? But this is not about dinner – this wanting is about what you want for your life and what feelings you may have to overcome to get there.

You want to be loved and understood. That is at the core of wanting. It is our most human condition.  In order to get to these feeling states you have to create a world around you that is comprised of people and situations that will support those feelings. For this to happen you have to make life choices that will create this experience

I made that sound easy. Making life choices is full of complications. You want to be loved. You made choices to surround yourself with loving people. It is possible that in order for this to happen you also made the choice to let go of people that did not love you the way that you wanted to be loved. Maybe you were getting too much love, not enough love, or toxic love – still it was love – but you made a choice to let that relationship go and to find love that was a compliment to what you need to grow.

You want to be understood yet you stumble over the words necessary to get to that state of understanding. You look for the feeling words necessary that will transmit what you need from others and you cant find the words. The words are there they are just buried underneath some bullshit. Maybe a defense that you have created is keeping you from being understood and held (and by that I mean emotionally held) but the words are there.  I’m sure at least one of you has had a moment when you were trying to explain yourself to say – your man – and things got wonky. You knew what you were trying to say yet you couldn’t find the words to get him to understand (this is in now way a male/female thing, this misunderstanding, but it does happen).

You and I have created all sorts of ways to get to these core feelings. Nice things, comfortable home, maybe you have the car you always wanted, you may have married the love of your life , or maybe you chose the right dish on the menu last night when you went out for dinner – all these things, all this stuff  is gris for the mill in getting to the core of what we want.

There will be frustration, tears, and self-inspection. You have all the tools you need to get what you want. Unlock ‘em and let yourself free and see what happens.

Ask loudly and boldly for what you want – noodle around with the question of how to be better understood. Say it in different ways and see what happens. Get to the root and get yours.

Let me know

Happy Tuesday

 

X

D

 

BeLOVE

Psychotherapy and Spiritual Practice

“The best of modern therapy is much like a process of shared meditation, where therapist and client sit together, learning to pay close attention to those aspects and dimensions of the self that the client may be unable to touch on his or her own”

Jack Kornfeld, A Path with Heart

I am pretty sure my first yoga class and my first therapy visit happened in the same week. It was a very long time ago. I can’t say which was more important or which has had the most influence but I do know I am very grateful that they happened simultaneously.  I imagine there was a ton of tears and a lot of sore muscles that week! As it turned out not  that long after that first week I went on to both teach yoga (in the vinyasa/ashtanga yoga tradition) and then to become a psychotherapist. Clearly I think they both belong in one’s life to complement one another.

Yoga, meditation and spiritual practice that has you look inward CRACKS OPEN the heart in transformative ways. You start to see things differently. You become aware of your own vibration and how others affect you and how your words and behaviors affect them.  You notice more about yourself and your thoughts. You become more aware of how your thoughts and feelings are interconnected.  It is amazing and there is a great amount of joy.  There are times when some of these uncovered feelings will also be painful.   You may start to notice things you want to change or are no longer working for you. You may also start to become aware of long time patterns in relationships that are no longer serving you.

‘We may experience understanding and peace in meditation, but when we return to the problems of daily life or visit our families or even fall in love, suddenly old patterns of suffering, neurosis, attachment, paranoia, and delusion can be as strong as ever. We have to find ways to include all of these feelings with those feelings of joy we find in meditation” Jack Kornfield, A Path with Heart

Adding Psychotherapy into the mix is a natural complement to your practice. To become the joy and the love that is your true nature you are going have to weed through some crap.  For most of us there is a whole bunch of crap standing in the way of beauty that is our truest self.  In the weeding you get to an understanding of who you really are.

What If you took away the stigma of therapy and it was redefined as a compliment to living a fuller more loving life? Sounds good right?  We get to the mat and we focus as best as we can, we sit to meditate we examine the thoughts and we move past them.  True acceptance of one’s self is not so easy. A relationship with a therapist allows you the chance to put all your thoughts and feelings into words. You get an opportunity to say them out loud and to see them dance across the screen. Being in the room with another person who is trained to listen, look underneath, unwind it and spin it. Good therapy is like taking that freestyle dance move you got going on and turning it into the same beauty and fluidity as Misty Copeland in Swan Lake.

There is a lot of work that needs to be done to heal;  first heal you and then heal the world. It’s not going to be easy it’s going to take discipline and work. You are going to un-script yourself and then rewrite it (maybe more than once) but every visit to the mat or to your seat and every hour spent with your therapist will be worth it. With that foundation you can do anything.

Be Love

xo

D

PS

If you were inspired by this blog post, please share it with your friends.

If you are ready to start building a relationship with a therapist please check out my team. They are ready to start working with you.

BeKIND

Sometimes easy, sometimes not, sometimes over rated. Yes, I said overrated, if not genuine, kindness is overrated. However, Kindness is definitely something we should strive for no doubt. It can make life a wee bit easier. Kindness is contagious and attractive.

But… The first thing I think about when I think about kindness is being kind to oneself.  I believe you should be kind to yourself all the time. Wouldn’t that be amazing?  I can’t tell you the countless number of times I have heard women tell me they hate something about themselves if not simply hate themselves. Don’t get me wrong I believe that there is a place for hate in our emotional life; I am just not sold on the idea it should be turned against oneself.

Let me guess, you just thought of one thing, shook your head yes, and at least one of you thought about something you hate about yourself. Something that if you could change today it would create instant change in your life. For me it’s that space under your ass on the back of your thigh. Yup, Fuck that 4 inches of what I like to call the “second ass”. But why; What’s to hate? A quick survey in the gym locker room or the beach and I definitely know I am not alone.

Self-hate is destructive at it’s worst and at its best it is simply a mind-fuck.

So what’s up with this kind of thinking? Look, I know some of it comes from the media and all the body shaming. Think about this idea for me though, it is possible that self criticism is developed over time as a defense against a negative thought or feeling and the inability to be able to project it on to the system or person that you are actually mad at.

 One thing for sure - that 4 inches on the back of my thigh contains a lot of emotion. When I am focused on that I don’t have to think about anything else. All my negative feelings can be channeled into that area. It’s a distraction from something bigger and possibly just bigger than me right now. I need that 4 inches to direct that energy somewhere. It keeps me on a daily exercise routine, keeps me on a clean and well balanced diet and it keeps me getting much needed massages. These are just a few examples of the kind things I do. I forget all about that 4 inches in those moments, I am kind to myself and much kinder to those around me. Trust me that kindness is contagious and brings lots of joy.

Let me know what random acts of kindness you have planned for yourself today.

More soon girl

xo

D